Wow I actually made it through this?

I guess we can book reading through the entire (!) Twilight saga under the same weird, masochistic compulsion that made me read through books like the Bible, the Book of Mormon, Goodkind & Co. – yes by now I do severely doubt my mental health, but hey, at least I know what I’m ranting about 😉

Like uh….a bestseller vampire saga that is mainly built up on ruses (Oh, yeah just kidding, there never ever WAS any actual danger, don’t want to get the tender-hearted reader all worried and worked up, right?). But seriously, I don’t remember when I’ve last read a fantasy series so entirely made up of bad dei ex machinae as Twilight was. Raising the stakes? Oh yes, sure. We’re all angsty and emotional but in the end: oh no worries, we didn’t mean it/it wasn’t like you thought it would be? Er…honestly the ‘are you FUCKING kidding me?’ definition of deus ex machina applies in full color here. Makes me wonder if the author thought her readers really that gullible (er…just a hint, but just because you’re writing a YA novel doesn’t mean it’s gotta be all ‘happily ever after – no harm done’).

Yeah, I know, I know. Apparently I’m a Death Chooser among all my merry little Life-Choosing fellow Mormons uh… Americans who love the books as light, entertaining reads, but honestly people! Girl meets boy, boy is kinda creepy, but absolutely dazzling and bedazzles girl into marrying him, because he’s all her life’s based on and they have a kid and live happily ever after? Don’t you think this is just a little teeeeeny bit outdated?

I mean yeah, at times that whole teenage pregnancy thing had definite streaks of Alien…but really in the end everything’s okay and they get their happily ever after…. Now I’m not a hater of happy endings in general, but the way all of the books have been totally tuned and set up on that makes me cringe. Sure, there are some cool ideas behind it (after all there has to be something that keeps you going through 754 pages of a book that should have been half as long at best), but in the end the poor execution and utter lack of originality paired with utterly wimpy characters is nothing but an ultimate turnoff.

In the end I can only say that I’ve been tremendously entertained updating my mental checklist as to what not to do when writing a novel (like suddenly popping in a second first person character in the epilogue of book three and then for a good part of book four after you base your entire narrative on one first-person PoV – errrr…what was that about consistence?)

*sigh* anway, rant done (for now)

Did I mention that Jen had me pick up L. J. Smith’s The Vampire Diaries to fuel more rants about comparing those to Twilight and find out all the things that have been ‘adapted’ from those books? Yeah, helpless masochist, what can I say?

Need to read something that’s actually worth the time now 😉

P.S.: Man, I can’t believe I forgot to mention that, but I’ll quote Sira on that – Yes, I “survived the bit where the werewolf dude falls in destined love ™ with his love interest’s infant child” – paedophilia? Oh nooooo it’s not LIKE that. Of course. What am I thinking? Tsk tsk!

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Just because I had to see if it really is that bad…

…I just feel like I lost half a million brain cells.

I mean, really. A friend who writes urban fantasy books featuring vampires and demons has been ranting against Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight books and how bad they are for a while.  Due to that, the hype about the fourth book coming out and the fact that I’m apparently a disgusting masochist who likes to read bad books for the sole reason of being able to point her finger at it and laugh later (as well as feel incredibly good about her own writing, because it’s infinitesimally better than that) – I picked it up from my mom in law.

First off, let me say I spent a couple hours utterly wasted being entertained just by how bad it really was. I mean okay, I’d probably have liked the books back when I was twelve and all obsessed with Buffy the Vampire Slayer & Co. but now I admit that even Laurell K. Hamilton writes better (and more original) than what I’ve seen in Twilight.

Honestly, there’s nothing whatsoever original about the plot. Girl protagonist (who’s named Bella of all the cheesy names in the chick-lit-verse!) starts out in new High School and meets incredibly good-looking, cover-boy who keeps to himself with his ‘siblings’ who are all of utterly remarkable beauty (just a little less remarkable than oh-so-staggering male protagonist). Did I mention that those ‘kids’ live with this mysterious doctor in some secluded mansion that reminded me of a violent crossover of X-Men meet Giles, the librarian from Buffy?

Anyway. So there’s this absolutely beautiful, bedazzling guy with eyes that mysteriously change color in their enthralling intensity. Did I mention that the guy’s reeeeeeaaally pretty? I mean REALLY PRETTY? Just thought it’s important to remind you not to miss that particular attribute that utterly defines his personality because it’s not that Meyer points our his incredible stunning and absolutely breathtaking looks like on every page or so. Yes. Edward’s really pretty.

Oh and he’s sort of different too. Like he doesn’t eat any food and him and his brothers and sisters stay away from school without anyone saying anything when the ordinary students have their blood type determined in biology. Oh and they don’t like sunlight either. I wonder whyyyyyy. I mean, could it be that they are vampires? No, really?

Anyway. Boy meets girl or the other way around, whatever and of course deep, complex and utterly superficial love ensues. I mean really, isn’t bedazzlement on the girl’s side and ‘she smells like the yummiest food I’ve ever smelled’ on the guy’s side the PERFECT reason for an everlasting love affair.

Yeah okay, so the boyfriend is kinda scary and dangerous sometimes, but remember his angelic and godlike beauty! No wonder that girl protagonist is all accepting and nonchalant about the scary details paired with the very likely possibility of her getting her throat ripped out in case bf can’t control himself any longer. It makes perfect sense. Really.

Totally logical that she’s so blind with lovey-doveyness and cheesy prose that Bella runs right into eeeeevil villain’s arms, lured by a trap that’s so obviously just a bluff that it makes you throw the book across the room (not that you won’t have done that by then. On multiple occasions). Also it’s totally awesome how vampy-boyfriend saves the day and girly protagonist decides that she wants to be just like him to be together forever and ever. Hey, the thing about being a monster and stuff really is just a side-effect right? I mean after all boyfriend and his happy family of cute and sparkly vamps don’t kill any humans but drink animal blood. Can’t be so bad can it?

I mean what is that against being forever and ever with Edward of the sparkly-eyes?

No shit.

Oh no! Now I used the ugly s-word! I’m sure I shall burn in Hell forevermore. Not even the godlike creature of the crooked grin and alabaster skin can save me now!

Alright, alright. I’m done. Can I go and be sick now about the fact that someone can sell millions of books without even a hint of originality? Sorry, but I utterly fail to comprehend the hype around those books. And yes, this is going to become one of those books that I’ll eventually pick up used and put it into my bookshelf next to Terry Goodkind and Mercedes Lackey and that I’ll open whenever I feel down about my writing 😉

Isn’t it weird how you’re compelling to read those bad books, knowing they’re bad books only to be able to point your finger and laugh later? Yeah, let’s hear it for alternative forms of personal satisfaction 🙂

I feel better now.